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May. 24th, 2012

(no subject)

Fuck man, just when I thought everything was getting better. It's over.

Apr. 25th, 2012

(no subject)

Well, turns out that it was my stupid error (lol). I keep a log of all my period dates on my desktop, and I had missed the 2 in "March 25," so it appeared that I was waaaaay late. We figured this out because I had my last one while we were at his aunt and uncle's house, and we went up there around March 30th. Still got the EPT's just in case a future crisis should emerge, but that worked itself out nicely.

Speaking of which, I've had my first cycle since starting the Indomethacin, and it has been the most pleasant one I think I've ever had. Light, painless, a little hormonal but not in a bad way. In general my medicine makes everything feel a little better, my SI joints have only mildly twinged in days. I did have a couple days where my knee ached a lot, but that's all done with finally. It makes me a little sleepy but it's really not bad compared to the perks.

I put myself on a pescetarian diet, centered around anti-inflammatory foods. So far it's been going pretty well, I only broke the no-meat rule once, and it was at Stephanie's wedding where they pretty much served nothing else.

STEPHANIE AND COOCHER GOT MARRIED AHHHHHH! SO COOL!
I am so excited for them. However, Curt sat and bitched after the wedding for at least an hour about how excessive and "stupid" the whole thing was, which really put a sour taste in my mouth. Apparently he wants marriage eventually, but not "that kind" of marriage, which really bothered me. He's been pretty judgmental lately, and I know he's been in a downward slump but it's really hard to support him when he's being so critical and negative all the time. When he comes over he usually sits down at my computer and immerses himself for like 20 minutes before he really talks to me at all. I'm annoyed by it, but trying to keep it in perspective, because he does work very early and long hours, he should be able to do what he wants in his free time.

He's been getting a little better the last couple days, though. I gave him a massage while he ranted about work and life in general, it seemed to help at least a little. I hope he starts seeing a counselor too, I think he could use it.

I got my nails done with Melissa from work! It was a lot of fun. I also got some gummy vitamins and calcium/D/Omega supplements. It's already been helping.

Apr. 18th, 2012

(no subject)

We got that other stuff worked out, as we always seem to. Was a little bit of a fight, but in the end no big deal.

I went to the rheumatologist yesterday, and he diagnosed me with a rare form of SI joint arthritis called Bilateral Sacroiliitis. It's incredibly bizarre. I don't know what kind I have yet, there are all sorts of unusual causes. Apparently one cause is linked to Psoriasis on the skin over the joint (which I don't have), another kind is linked to random bowel problems, and even stranger, one is linked to eye problems. All of these things could be linked to the pain I've been feeling back there (apparently it's not actually my hips, SI joints are linked to the pelvis and are what you sit on). It's going to take a lot of thought and experimentation to figure out which variety I have.. my rheumatologist is a brilliant dude, I feel like despite the medical mystery, I'm in very good hands.

He's got me on a medication called Indomethacin, which I was really terrified to try because of my last issue with Mobic, but at worst it makes me feel like I'm on Vicodin. Waves of sleepiness, very calm and zen, really not bad at all as long as I'm not driving a car or really tired to begin with. Sometimes I can't feel my limbs, which is weird, but not necessarily a bad thing. It's an Ibuprofin-based NSAID though, so it's not like a narcotic painkiller.

It sounds like my treatment will be a combination of rest, physical therapy and the medication. He wants me to lose weight, which I've been trying to do anyway (and failing), and he suggested the best exercise for arthritis is swimming in the pool. I'll probably still do zumba, but avoid a lot of walking unless it's necessary.

A couple weeks ago Curt and I had a close call sexually. Not sure exactly what happened, if anything did, but he said that "he was careful" and that it wouldn't be a big deal. Long story short, I thought he came inside me (without a condom), he said that he was careful and that he didn't. Well, I believed him.. and I still trust that he knows best what his body was doing. It's normal for my period to be late sometimes, between December and January it was 9 days late. Now, I'm bordering on 13 days late, I've been having a couple cramps but nothing significant.

Yesterday the rheumatologist made a big deal about whether or not I was pregnant. I denied that I was, with the information that I know I was pretty sure that I wasn't. He went on to talk about the "no-oops" rule he has, and talked about it a little more than seemed normal. I wonder now that I might be pregnant and it showed up on my MRI results: I would hope that he would have told me if that were the case, but it's possible that he didn't.

Tonight I'm gonna meet with Curt and have a chat about it, probably pick up an EPT. I've looked into planned parenthood, but won't make that call until it's necessary. We'll see what happens. I'm anxious, but I'm not too worried.

Apr. 15th, 2012

Okay. Okay, okay.

We talked it out, all is well now. It was a miscommunication that he let stew all weekend, which he then unleashed on me in an anger wave. After he calmed down we got to talking, and made sense of wtf the problem was. I'm hungover, running on 3 hours of sleep, moderately stressed and extremely anxious about the prospect of bipolar medication, but doing better.

I made him fresh blackberry syrup. It was delicious :>

Too much at once

Ups and downs. I started seeing a counselor last week, who told me that it sounds like I have type II bipolar disorder. I'd be inclined to agree, at least over the past year, control of myself has been at a low. I have high manic episodes where I kick ass and get shit done, then I have low slumps where I crash and burn for days, sometimes weeks, and no amount of reasonable talk or logic will bring me out of it. Hopefully I can start getting to the bottom of it.

I had my MRI's done on tuesday, where they indeed found inflammation, and I'll be seeing a rheumatologist on tuesday for it. It would be nice to finally have relief. I had a bed reaction to medicine over the week that my doctor prescribed for pain, and it put me down and out for two days. I've felt better since not taking the pills again.

I essentially got a promotion at work on Friday, there was a meeting and afterwards I talked to the IT manager for field staff, apparently there's an IT assistant position open. She says she would feel comfortable training me, so that's looking like a positive thing. I'll probably get some experience this coming week; it's a trial position for now but I think I'll do well. Then again, maybe it's a product of being manic and biting off more than I can chew. I don't know how I'm going to swing school around the job yet, but I'm confident that I'll figure something out.

There was a bachelorette party this weekend that I went to, and had a great time. Steph and Coocher will be getting married, it's pretty exciting :D I'm pretty hungover, but totally worth it. We hung around the mall of america all day, got lots to eat and drink and just generally had a lot of fun.

And, the bad news. Curt's getting moody again. On Friday I was late to dinner at his house, I tried to tell him about my job thing and he had absolutely no reaction. It was disappointing, but I wrote it off as him being tired, since he hardly slept and he's been having kind of a hard time at his job. We went out to play cards with Jay, who has been strange ever since the issue with his g/f, but we still see each other now and then. The whole time Curt treated me as if he would rather I not be there, left me out of games, was extremely discontent and pissy the whole time. My dad was texting me, excited about my job prospect and wanted to take me out for a couple drinks.

So, since Curt appeared to be extremely moody and Jay wasn't much better, and I wanted to celebrate and spend time with my dad, I made plans to be picked up by him at 8:30. I kept trying to Curt that I loved him, and I was pretty much out the door when he finally said it back. Again, I wrote all of this off as him being tired. He seemed extremely distracted by his cards and I didn't really care to tear him away from it.

Dad and I had a couple drinks, came back home around 11, I threw in my laundry for the bachelorette party, and got a call from Curt who had just finished playing cards with Jay. The conversation was normal, he told me what he won and how he won, changes he wanted to make to his deck, etc. He said he was gonna let me go, it was time for him to get home, so again I said okay, said "I lo-", and he hung up on me without even bothering with a goodbye. I was pretty frustrated at that point, but again, wrote it off as him being tired. The next day I was preparing for the party, he sent me a message on skype pretty much just saying "I'm out of here. Have a good day." No hello, just a goodbye.

So at that point, it was pretty fucking obvious that something was wrong. I texted him immediately asking him what was going on, he said "I'm cool. You have a good day!" with an air of finality, he clearly didn't want to talk about it- he's usually very affectionate. I let it go temporarily, wasn't gonna have it hanging over my head at the party. So I get home today, he tells me over skype that he doesn't want to go to D&D tonight, and that if I go send them his regards. He also said that we need to talk about stuff, but he's also dreading talking about it.

Apparently something I did on friday pissed him off, but he won't really allude to what it was. Was it because my meeting ran long and I was late to dinner? Was he mad that I left to hang out with my dad? He says that he doesn't feel like he should "have to" explain it, and it pisses him off even more that I don't know what I did. So, I'll be going to his place around 4 to talk it out. His whole attitude about it is extremely negative, he seems to have this air of "this is the last straw, it's doomsday" in the way that he's talking to me.

As usual I'm pretty confident talking it out will help. He doesn't think so, but he didn't think so before either. He doesn't trust me to take anything gracefully. Sure I get angry, but generally I'm pretty good about taking things seriously and avoiding personal attacks. This whole "I shouldn't have to explain myself" is bringing back the frustration I had with Rob and his absolutely ridiculous expectations that I read his mind; can't say I appreciate it. The confusion and insecurity really does -not- help my state of mind.

Mar. 25th, 2012

Not about myself specifically this time...

So, I'm quite rageful at the moment. Of course alcohol doesn't help, you'll have to excuse any blatant issues for the sake of my inebriated brain. I had a really great time out with my parents and curt, but it was severely dampened by something that really, really hit home.

There's this guy that we play cards with every weekend, that until recently we both really liked. He has a girlfriend who is pregnant, and recently got engaged to her. i was very excited about it when I heard about it, but now I'm not so sure. We were both pretty drunk, chilling out with my parents, Curt and this guy were texting back and forth at the time. At some point this guy tells Curt that it's not dignified to text while drunk, of course Curt then gives me his number and I text him with a ridiculous anecdote.

From there:

Who are you and why are you texting me? Who gave you my number?

I replied with who I was, apologized for my terrible grammar and informed him that I was drinking with my parents.

He responds, This isn't cool, [girlfriend] is not okay with me talking with other girls over the phone.

I sent him a message back saying I had gotten his number from curt, I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. He also sent a text to curt saying "if you hope to be my friend in the future you will cease sending me texts right now," or something like that. Of course, my drunken mother told him to text back that she wanted to have his babies and that my father approved: I told curt... no. Lol. That's just not going to end well for anyone.

I was a member in a facebook group that included this guy, our Magic: The Gathering weekend group. I sent a very formal, but vague message about how I was no longer comfortable being in the group due to a situation at hand, and that the person involved could talk to me whenever they saw fit about the issue. Rob put me through the exact same shit, except to an even deeper extreme, and in that way I feel very sorry for this person. I feel that the safest way for me to deal with this is to just back my ass out, right now. If I don't I'll try to save him, and as my mother rightly sad, he cannot be saved unless he wants to be.

The control that can be influenced on the other gender is absolutely appalling. It's disgusting and it was so hard to think about that I couldn't even ignore it. I could have kept my mouth shut, kept attending MTG weekends and never mentioned it again, but I would be screaming inside the whole time, with a very educated guess as to what this person might be going through.

It's really upset me. I really don't think this person is in any way inherently bad, simply trying to make things work (his g/f is pregnant) and the lady's a control freak. I hope one day I can talk to him again, because I did consider him a friend until all of this went down, but I simply cannot be a part of this ballet of insecurity. I wish them the best, but I can't live with the gender-based discrimination. -sigh- Society is absolutely retarded. I'm not talking just America, but human nature in general sometimes, jesus christ. Grow up.

Mar. 12th, 2012

Ups and downs, the usual...

I have come to the conclusion that, especially lately, I am manic depressive. It's always kinda been a thing with me- not something that I cared to acknowledge, but to work on as it happened (however that works).. it manifests especially bad around times of stress. Case in point, last week was.. interesting.

Tuesday last week, I came to the realization that my second chemistry test was coming up, and I knew jack-shit about anything in that class. I never missed a single class period, spent 25+ hours a week studying the content, and I still failed almost everything that was assigned. It sunk me into such a deep depression that I couldn't drag myself out. For a few weeks, I missed my Logic homework because the gravity of completing that task was seriously too much for me to handle, and last week it all kinda caved in on me.

My Logic final was yesterday, and I'm fairly certain I did not do well. But, this means I have only Stage Makeup and Drawing II to worry about until the end of the semester. That feels so fucking good.

Back to the problem at hand. Curt noticed me sinking last week. For three days, I did nothing. I skipped chemistry class, while I considered dropping it. I skipped drawing. I hardly left my room, didn't shower, didn't do anything. I laid wasting in bed most of Thursday, and when I got up around 4 I came to a skype message from Curt saying that we needed to talk about us, and it needed to be in private. I dragged my ass into dirty clothes (I haven't done laundry in weeks), brushed my hair, and went over to his place as soon as I could. Expecting the worst, of course, because no one wants to date a loser, as that is most certainly how I see myself now and then.

We had a long talk. He broke down in tears. Lately I've considered changing my major from graphic design/web dev. to special effects makeup and design. This means I'd have to go to school, probably in Toronto, and find work in Los Angeles. This prospect had him panicking, and I was able to ignore my self-absorbed black haze for a couple hours while I told him it wasn't as bad as it sounded, and I intended to make it work. We got that worked out eventually.

Next to talk about, he says there are times where it's like he's dating two different people, and it's extremely hard to watch. When we're out having a good time, it's really, really good. When I'm having a hard time, it's crushing to him since he can't seem to help me pull myself up into a functional condition again. I'm distant and stare off into space. I'm exanimate and lethargic. Legitimate complaint, but not something I can necessarily do by myself. I've been trying, but failing, and he says he really needs to see me get some help. So, counseling it is.

The next day I consulted my dad about chemistry. I told him that my mom had already reacted really badly when I said I was doing badly in in that class- his exact quote was, "Fuck that. Drop it, it's not worth the stress if it inhibits your life." I dropped chemistry, and the day after that I had the logic final. Since the final, things have felt a lot better. I still feel this hopeless, sad feeling about not succeeding (both my mother and Dan perpetually instilled that guilt in me which I cannot seem to let go of), but honestly, it's not the end of the world and I know I'm not loved any less for it. In fact, once my Logic final was over, Curt said he wanted to take me out to dinner for finishing the class. He made no mention of me dropping chemistry or potentially failing logic; he'd rather celebrate the successes, however small they might be, instead of dwelling on the shortcomings. This, I do believe, is a wonderful thing.

I judge myself too harshly. Much, much too harshly, to the point where I can no longer function because I've put myself in such a mental trap of negativity. I want to be happier. I really hope talking to a counselor will help, I don't want the drugs.

All of this joyfulness aside, this past weekend has been fantastic. Played cards for a couple hours Friday. I spent the early afternoon beading on Saturday, then Curt and I had plans to spend most of the day exclusively together, but it didn't work out that way and we ended up heading out to play cards after dinner. I'm glad we did, it was fun. Today was definitely the highlight though, as we ended up having that exclusive day, where we had no plans but to blow in the wind. We skipped D&D, went to Osaka for sushi, then out for ice cream, then to walgreens where I picked up some new makeup brushes. Mine have sucked lately. I still spent too much money, but it was worth the fun. Then back home to watch Face Off till he had to go.

These are the little positive things that keep me happy and thinking that the future may not be so bleak as my cranky brain seems to predict it will be, for no real rational reason. I'm still kinda blah, but I appreciate the feeling of happiness. It really is like a ray of sunshine is peaking through the treetops; I intend to make it brighter and brighter.

Feb. 29th, 2012

Hmm, unexpected thoughts.

I came to the realization that several important people from my childhood are now dead, and I'm not talking about the ones that died of old age or cancer. I mean, I already knew that they were gone obviously, but I think it just kinda sank in.

Mik Koss was someone I played with in preschool.. we'd chill out in his sandbox and play dinosaurs. We dated for like a week in high school, but he was a totally different person by then and ended up OD'ing on heroin (long after things didn't work out).

My second-cousin Jeff was my buddy back then too, we'd play Twisted Metal and Spyro the Dragon on his playstation back before I had one, when we went to visit them in michigan. He grew up, we lost contact, and the next I hear of him he's committed suicide by OD. His parents sent me all of his art supplies.. an incredible amount of very expensive things. I'm so grateful, and I really want to make them a portrait of Jeff with his art supplies in his memory.. but I don't remember what he looks like. I'll have to put some thought into that.

My cousin Brian also should be mentioned, but he was a bit older than me and in his high school years he was kinda too cool to hang out with me. We were never great friends, but I loved him regardless, and a couple years after he graduated his car got hit by a train in Anoka with three other passengers. Bizarre tragedy.

My uncle Steve flipped his car in the middle of the woods at night on his way from MN to WI on Christmas night, and nobody found him until mid-morning. I was already in Michigan for my grandpa's funeral, so christmas morning we're all ready to open gifts, and we get the call from my aunt about the news. Another bizarre tragedy.

I can't help but wonder if this has affected my overall world view in some way, that I haven't really noticed. Lately I've realized that I'm one of the few people that doesn't seem to fear death. It's not exactly reckless, because I DO fear pain, and the two sometimes come hand in hand. But, I'm not afraid of nothingness. I think it sounds quite blissful, personally, and while you're leaving what you know behind, perhaps it's not really the "end." Perhaps it is. Either way, I'm cool with both.

I've had a couple conversations with Curt about death, and it prompted some deeper self-analysis. I deal with things strangely. I cry, but only initially- then it's better for me to withdraw emotion so I can deal with it internally. I remember at my cousin's funeral especially, I felt pretty awkward- everyone around me was crying, but I didn't feel as though I had to. My feeling was that Brian would have wanted us to miss him, of course, but not to cause us such pain.. not that it means people can't cry. It's a very conflicting thought. Sure, I can go ahead and be "strong," since that's what helps me, but is that really healthy? Why do I not grieve? Does that affect the way I think today, the fact that it's bottled up inside?

...-shrug- o_o It's been a surreal evening of reflection.

Feb. 25th, 2012

(no subject)

Okay. I promise this will be my last entry on the subject. We talked about it on skype this morning after he woke up, and things are good again. Fuck anxiety, it makes life so hard sometimes. We're good, the strangeness was a combination of a lot of things (some of them what I mentioned in the first entry).

Last night I had mentioned my lifetime goal of raising my own child while I was slightly drunk. At the time he hadn't said anything (I didn't expect him to), but today when we talked he mentioned he thought he'd be a good dad. A really worrisome dad, but a good one. That lifted me up, so much, I can't even explain how happy that made me. Of course, I want to be in a better situation in life first. I don't know if he will be the one I have a child with (who knows where we'll be in 5 years), but at this point I'm certainly hoping it works out that way.

Today a girl in Logic class was chatting with me about my major- apparently she has a friend that is starting a division of a company that needs creative people to do their graphics (also needs web programmers, but it's less necessary than the talent at this point, apparently.) She's pretty cool, very responsible chick, she said I can expect to hear from her before next saturday with more information about it. Whoa! Random, and exciting! It will be a good day.

Ugh.

Alright, so it's the next morning.. I've been awake for a total of ten minutes, and already hit with a wave of anxiety. Thinking about last night made me realize that he really was acting strangely, and of course my mind goes to the worst case scenario: Is he thinking of leaving me? Again, pretty certain that I'm overreacting, but I can't keep my thoughts away from the weirdness last night. As usual, I had a brief moment of freak-out, but have talked myself down by convincing myself that if it's going to happen, it will happen and I shouldn't be too down on myself about it if it does. I know I've put my best effort forward.

And then, of course, these horrible cynical thoughts enter my head, making me feel even worse when I don't even know if there's even really a problem. Brain, stfu, nobody needs your useless social commentary >_<.

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